In Which I See My Neighbors Having….Relations

The night had been so calm after the storms passed. The heat no longer felt like a wet blanket clinging to your skin and the stars were out. Despite my general dislike of moths, I decided to hobble my way to our back yard, turned on the back light and picked up my book.

I was settling into the familiar feel of the chaise lounge, allowing for the pillows beneath my injured appendage to conform to the massive boot when I heard a party across the way. Oh well, it is Friday after all and let it slip my mind. The book was captivating, I was totally lost in the world created for me by the author that I didn’t notice the back door opening across the way. If anything, I considered having the flood light on to be a good indicator of my presence outside – I was most definitely not out to snoop or spy, you need two working feet for that.

It was only a few moments later after lifting my eyes in search of my sweet tea that I noticed my neighbors…how to put this politely…bumping uglies. Yes friends and neighbors, myΒ neighbors were going at it like bunnies on ecstasy. Immediately the blood shot to my face “good God, is this happening?”. It was. I really was. Neither of them under 300 pounds (not that size matters,except for the fact the noise they created on the squeaky chair – which was abandoned for the ground in quick order – was unbearably laughable) it was not something I had planned on seeing – I needed to get away.

Now, making Β quick exit when your foot is (maybe) broken is not really an option, but the flood light was on and when they realized they had been seen…well…I couldn’t fathom their embarrassment. Ever so slowly I ninja-rolled off the chaise and on to all fours in a vain attempt to be stealthy – probably should have accounted for the fact that my book would hit the ground with a meat thwack! sound that would have scared birds. To make matters worse the noise, which was quite startling over the noise of the couple very verbally praising each others skills, caused me to jerk my head – thus spilling the remainder of my sweet tea all over my head.

It was at this point, on all fours and drenched in sweet tea surrounded by the echoing “oh God’s” and “Oh yes'” and “right there’s” and (horribly) “no, with your finger” that I started laughing. I don’t mean a giggle, don’t get that impression. This was a full body hee-hawing, explosiveΒ laughter that erupted from my diaphragm and, in fact, actually scared a bird.

Being found out was painful for my neighbors, they scurried (as quickly as they could) from the ground and ran inside where the party was still going strong. Did I mention they were still butt-naked and covered in grass stains? Well, they were.

Now, safely inside and clean from the shower all I can do is think “Wow, I should never venture outside when I cannot make a quick escape”.



74 thoughts on “In Which I See My Neighbors Having….Relations

  1. salpal1

    oh good heavens – everyone’s worst nightmare – but really, it was funny. I think they will not venture out clothed or un for quite sometime, so you are safe to go outside. PLease do tell us the look on their faces the next time you run into them in the neighborhood…. πŸ™‚

  2. awesomesauceasshattery

    Pure hilarity! Truth is always stranger than fiction & it’s giggle-inducing visuals like the ones you now have filed away (thanks to your…erm…*generous* neighbours) that will allow you to grin & bear it the next time you’re greeted with sour-faced sales staff or an asshat driving behind you =O)

            1. allnightknits Post author

              Maybe in time, it would be nice to know some of the patterns are getting more circulation. They’re close to me because of of great grandmother but they are also a nice reference library. Maybe- this is a big maybe – after a year I will combine them into a book.

  3. cross(stitch)yourheart

    This is hilarious, and kind of what you have to expect when you’re planning to go outside and….do stuff like that when your neighbors are so close. But it makes for a great story and at least you weren’t the kind of person to film it…talk about awkward…

      1. sindel17

        Primarily them…but it was the sweet tea falling that really made it great! Why is it the sneakier one tries to be the louder they actually are?!

      1. bgbowers

        I’m not so sure….you were just an innocent bystander, seduced outside by a sultry evening & an absorbing book πŸ˜‰ lol! Xx

  4. Curls & Q

    Q- omg! This is the funniest story ever!! Really, doesn’t everyone go outside “for a good time” during a party at their house? And the image of you trying to “gently” sneak way! Cannot stop giggling at the mental image.

    1. allnightknits Post author

      I felt really bad for being present at such an intimate moment….then they got really dirty (obviously drunk) and I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. I mean, I was RIGHT there! How did they miss me! At least I have an excellent story to tell! πŸ™‚

    1. allnightknits Post author

      Oh no, they are Luddites. The few times we’ve conversed they’ve admitted to not owning a television, cell phone or Internet anythings (eReaders, computers, palm pilots etc.). They fear it will “quell they’re creative auras”. No joke. Very nice though, just very anti technology!


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