The Incredibly Heartbreaking Story of How I Came By My First Skein of Malabrigo

Has there every been a time in your life that you really, truly wished there were hidden cameras recording the moment for posterity? Well on January 29th such a day happened to me at my new Local Yarn Store. I want to share with you the story as close to verbatim as I can, because the incredible oddness of it was blessedly unique.

~Setting the Stage~

I was sitting at a long table at the front of the shop. I had come in for a bar of Lo-lo to Go (which was 75% off) but remained lingering – throughly content to fondle the yarn and work on my pattern.

A woman comes in through the back entrance with a cake of (yummy) yarn in her hand. The weather is crummy, we are actually just a few hours from getting 10.5″ of more snow and she was obviously in a hurry. Here is the conversations that ensued. 

• Woman: I would like to return this please. I don’t have the tags but I remember what it is and I should be in your system.
• Clerk: I am so sorry but we cannot accept returns on yarn that has been caked.
• Woman: ….
• Clerk:  I wish that there was something I could do but there is no way to inventory it.
• Woman: ….
• Clerk: If you’d like I can suggest a pattern for you to…
• Woman: I only buy one project worth of yarn at a time and I decided not to do a project with sock yarn. I am going to use worsted yarn, so I cannot use this.
• Clerk: (makes desperate eye contact with yours truly) I am sure that we can modify the pattern you are doing so you can use sock yarn. Let me have a look, Rachel – what do you think.
• Me: I love modifying things!

I walk over to the checkout counter and the strap on my purse breaks, spilling the contents of my purse all over the floor. I laugh but the woman is looking at me strangely, strangely enough that it actually makes  me nervous. The clerk is pulling up the pattern on Ravelry when the woman turns her full attention to me….

• Woman: What’s your name?
• Me: Rachel, what’s yo….(cut off)
• Woman: Do you have a stash?
• Me: Um, yes I d…(cut off)
• Woman: Do you knit with sock yarn?
• Me: Yes. (I have temporarily given up on more than one word answers)
• Woman: Do you like this yarn?
• Me: Yes, it’s lovel….(cut off)
• Woman: Do you have a project that could use this yarn to the best of it’s abilities?
• Me: Um…
• Woman: A pattern. Do you have one planned?
• Me: Yes.
• Woman: What is it?
• Me: The Hogwarts Express Shawl
• Woman: And who is it by?
• Me: Susan Ashcroft.
• Woman: When did you buy the pattern?
• Me: I didn’t. It was a gift for my birthday from a very dear f….(cut off).
• Woman: When was your birthday?
• Me: December 27th…? (at this point I wasn’t sure)
• Woman: Let me see your queue.

At this point the store clerk is staring at me with open mouth amazement. She hands me her iPad and I pull up my queue. There was the message from my gifter and the pattern.

• Woman: Here you are. (She’s handing me the freaking cake)
• Me: I cannot just take this, at least let me buy your worsted yarn (I didn’t have the money for this, but I was flummoxed and I did owe her one).
• Woman: Do I look poor to you?
• Me: Uhhh…No. (she didn’t – but then neither do I)
• Woman: I can afford my own yarn thank you. Here are the specifications on the yarn (she pulls a scrap of paper out of her purse). Just do me a favor.
• Me: Uhh….anything!
• Woman: Let this be your next finished project. Go home and cast it on, and use it. I hate languishing yarn.
• Me: Okay…

At this point she turns back to the befuddled store clerk and lists, which such precise clarity the yarn brand/weight/name/quantity that she needs. The clerk all but runs away to go get the items the woman asked for, leaving me alone with the woman. I was planning on thanking her again and giving her my Ravelry name so she could see the FO when she said….

• Woman: My daughter was on Xanax.

I am confused, then I realize that when my purse spilled open my own anti-anxiety medication bottle fell out of my purse – she must have seen it.

• Woman: She committed suicide several years ago when she quit taking her medicine. She lost her job and lost interest in everything she did – I didn’t notice.
• Me: I am so sorry….
• Woman: Can you do me one more favor?
• Me: Anything.
• Woman: Tell the people you love to pay attention if you cannot list, on the spot, something you are passionate about. To pay attention if you quit doing something you so obviously love. Tell them to pay attention.
• Me: I promise.

Friends and neighbors, thank you for letting me share this story.

My First Real Big, Bad Frogging Experience

If you’ve perused this blog lately, this photo may look familiar to you. . . .

Nice huh? Well, not anymore!

**** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****

The brioche stitch is something I have never done before, so of course I thought I would try it for the custom order. I am looking at this particular order as a great learning experience, so why not try something new…and throw in a cable…and use two strands of yarn…

This is not easy, I am not sure why but it just isn’t. The pattern base is set up knitting the first and last stitch and in-between knitting (sl1, yo, k2tog). This shouldn’t be difficult, but for some reason I was dropping stitches left and right and then left again. I threw in a lifeline and thought “Hey! We’re in business!”

Mastering Brioche.

Setting in the Cable.

Getting some Length.

I had almost five feet (yes – 5 feet…:() when my lifeline broke while I was working a cable. I spent about…oh, I dunno, 2 hours wrestling with trying to get it back on the needles. I loved the look, I loved feel and I didn’t want to let it go. It was the moment I accepted defeat that I pulled out my niddy-noddy and used it for something that just shattered my knitting soul.

And so I frogged two days and five feet of work. I didn’t shed a tear – but I cursed like a drunk sailer on leave discovering they’ve landed in a place with no women. I am re-knitting the yarn in a straight brioche to get the rhythm of it, then I am going back to this pattern and I am going to knit the (censored) out of it!

I do want to share, in my defense, the factors that may have contributed to the utter failure of this scarf:

1. I was using two strands held together for thickness.
2. The two strands are acrylic (as asked for by the customer – sever allergies).
3. My cable needle was too small to hold all those stitches.
4. I was using plastic needles, so everything was slippery – and NOT in a good way.
5. I used a frayed piece of leftover yarn as my lifeline.
6. I bit off more than I could chew.

So I’ve learned my lesson friends and neighbors, don’t knit off more than you can chew. Ambition and learning is great don’t get me wrong, but some times you have to start at the very beginning to get a handle on it. Has this every happened to you? Have you tried to skip the necessary learning steps and made a massive mistake? Or on the way more optimistic hand did it work for you?

Cannot wait to hear from you, and thanks for reading – it still blows my mind that you do! 🙂

Too Funny Not to Share

A little giggle is good for your health! 😉

Oh – and don’t forget to PARTICIPATE IN THE GIVEAWAY!!

Two Firsts for Me!

When I am bummed out about my hand I watch movie trailers – it takes me to my happy place which is a very, very good thing. The Wolves of Wall Street Trailer is my new favorite – I am literally vibrating with anticipation to see this movie. Enjoy the GIF. Enjoy the Trailer. Enjoy your day because there is a lot going down tomorrow.

Not really, just loads of photos if Flickr ever comes back up!

THE PHOTO! Totally NSFW or Small Children :)

Well, there is a solution to the conundrum of the Naughty Picture!

Click at Your Own Risk!

→ Click Here or on the Photo Above To See For Yourselves! ←

Two for One Special! Stitch Patterns for Week’s 16 & 17

Hello friends and neighbors. Before I get started I just want to apologize for just now getting back to all your wonderful comments – I fear I am being a bit neglectful of my blog lately. With the unplanned vacation, even more unplanned flood and my Mom and Dad’s 30th anniversary party I am being pulled in a million directions. This being said, as soon as I get this post up I am going to spend some quality time with you and your posts. Just please don’t lose hope, the party is over on the 16th and things should be back to normal by then.

Okay, enough begging for your patience (by the way, pretty please?!). It is time to see what GG has been doing to me these past two weeks. So, with no further adieu we have stitch patterns for week 16 and 17! Enjoy!

♥♥♥♥ Week 16 – Let’s Call it the Picnic Blanket Stitch ♥♥♥♥

Full Size at an Angle.

Something I have noticed about my great-grandmother is that she dealt almost entirely with knit and purl stitches. There are the occasional cables, but not many. I have to say this is giving me a new appreciation of the basics. Now, let’s see about this pattern shall we?

– Needles: Size 5 US (3.75mm)
– Yarn: Bernat 100% Cotton in Coral
–Stitches: (I think, this is guess-work here) Multiple of 5+4 stitches. I also do 2 stitches on each             edge so it’ll lay straight.

• 1k – Row 1: Knit (Gotcha, good good!)
• 2p4and kp4 – Row 2: P4, *K1, P4* rep. till end of row (Not sure I’ve seen the “and” before, so this ended up getting frogged once before I got it).
• 4p4k1p4 : Row 4: *P4, K1, P4* rep till end (Um…guys? What happened to the rest of the rows?)
• Okay, so this is also where some guess-work and frogging occurred. I figured if she didn’t write it then it had to be knit. If there was a change on row 4 then there would have to be two rows knit after it for symmetry (I tried 5 rows but it looked wonky). So this is the actual pattern down yonder ↓ in a pretty blue color.
• Row 1, 3, 5 and 6: Knit
• Row 2: P4, *K1, P4* rep. till end of row.
• Row 4: *P4, K1, P4* rep till end of row.
  

The Picnic Blanket Stitch Dishcloth.

Full Cloth in Monotones.

Straight On in Sepia.

Up Tilt Angle.

Yes…I Blocked a Dishcloth.

 

This pattern was a bit like playing a knitting detective, which makes me feel (goofily) like a knitting super hero. Goofy? Oh, yes. Definitely. I just wondered if she only knitted it once or she just knew that it had to be a repeat of 6 rows. So many unanswered questions. Anyway, ONWARD!

 ♥♥♥♥ Stitch Pattern Week 17 – The…Morse Code Stitch? ♥♥♥♥

Full On

– Needles – Size 5US (3.75mm)
– Yarn – Bernat 100% Cotton in Coral
– Stitches – Multiple of 10 + 4 stitches  (Totally sure about this one :)) 8 row repeat.

• 1k – Row 1: Knit
• p – Row 2: Purl (Okay, no more numbers – she has a way doesn’t she?)
• 1 – Row 3: Knit (Really? Somewhere this old bag is laughing at me, I just know it!)
• 4p4 and k6p4 – Row 4: P4, *K6, P4*. Rep. *to* till end of row. (Well, at least the numbers showed up again. How kind!)
• k – Row 5: Knit (AND there gone again….curious).
• p – Row 6: Purl
• k – Row  7: Knit ( I should add here that at least this pattern was written vertically, so at least there was some actual separation of the rows. It is rare in here writing, but it was also written on the back of a doctor’s business card – so maybe it was a space thing).
• k3k1p4k4 – Row 8: K4, *K1, P4, K5*. Rep. till end of row (Did you notice that the K3 was wrong? Well I sure didn’t…frogged twice before simple math made me feel like a simpleton. As long as the pattern gets done who cares right?).

Vibrant and Sharpened

Brown Cast Overlay

The Horizontal Dash Dishcloth.

Full On

Well, that’s about all for me tonight folks. Now it is time to catch up with my blogging family – make sure you guys haven’t been up to any shenanigans! One more thing to leave on tonight though…Have you ever tried to get a good picture of you knitting only to be foiled by the light? Well, taking a pair of knitting needles, a hair tie and a pocket light stabbed into the couch might work! Think I am kidding? Well, at least the couch is old! 🙂

Knitting Needles, a Hair Tie and a Pocket Light stabbed into the Couch.

In Which I See My Neighbors Having….Relations

The night had been so calm after the storms passed. The heat no longer felt like a wet blanket clinging to your skin and the stars were out. Despite my general dislike of moths, I decided to hobble my way to our back yard, turned on the back light and picked up my book.

I was settling into the familiar feel of the chaise lounge, allowing for the pillows beneath my injured appendage to conform to the massive boot when I heard a party across the way. Oh well, it is Friday after all and let it slip my mind. The book was captivating, I was totally lost in the world created for me by the author that I didn’t notice the back door opening across the way. If anything, I considered having the flood light on to be a good indicator of my presence outside – I was most definitely not out to snoop or spy, you need two working feet for that.

It was only a few moments later after lifting my eyes in search of my sweet tea that I noticed my neighbors…how to put this politely…bumping uglies. Yes friends and neighbors, my neighbors were going at it like bunnies on ecstasy. Immediately the blood shot to my face “good God, is this happening?”. It was. I really was. Neither of them under 300 pounds (not that size matters,except for the fact the noise they created on the squeaky chair – which was abandoned for the ground in quick order – was unbearably laughable) it was not something I had planned on seeing – I needed to get away.

Now, making  quick exit when your foot is (maybe) broken is not really an option, but the flood light was on and when they realized they had been seen…well…I couldn’t fathom their embarrassment. Ever so slowly I ninja-rolled off the chaise and on to all fours in a vain attempt to be stealthy – probably should have accounted for the fact that my book would hit the ground with a meat thwack! sound that would have scared birds. To make matters worse the noise, which was quite startling over the noise of the couple very verbally praising each others skills, caused me to jerk my head – thus spilling the remainder of my sweet tea all over my head.

It was at this point, on all fours and drenched in sweet tea surrounded by the echoing “oh God’s” and “Oh yes'” and “right there’s” and (horribly) “no, with your finger” that I started laughing. I don’t mean a giggle, don’t get that impression. This was a full body hee-hawing, explosive laughter that erupted from my diaphragm and, in fact, actually scared a bird.

Being found out was painful for my neighbors, they scurried (as quickly as they could) from the ground and ran inside where the party was still going strong. Did I mention they were still butt-naked and covered in grass stains? Well, they were.

Now, safely inside and clean from the shower all I can do is think “Wow, I should never venture outside when I cannot make a quick escape”.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS!

 

I Never Do Two Posts In One Day But….

….Since I pulled my head out of my bum and the hat is turning out really well, I thought I should share! Thanks to all of you who have been so kind, so understanding, so helpful and helped me get through my – rather annoying now that I’ve reread it – rant.

Say It Loud and Proud Grumpy Cat!!

 

Stitch Pattern Week 10 – A Misbehaving Hand & WIPs & Photos for Fun…Oh My!

I feel as if I have been quite neglectful of my blog here recently. Since the little setback with my hand I’ve lost a bit of my knitting confidence, afraid that I’ll make a mistake on something simple and feel utterly lost on how to proceed. Luckily I did this weeks stitch pattern on the 12th, so here it is friends and neighbors – The Chevron Stitch!

The Chevron Stitch

I’ve gotta tell you, GG really gave it to me when I found this pattern. She called it the Triangles Stitch (no help there) and the instructions….I thought I would rather curl up and die than try to figure this out. Once I figured it out, which admittedly took way to much time, I was on a roll. It is a simple, dimensional and textural stitch, and now that I know what is going on I think I want to try to work with it in another way.

Trying to identify the textures.

Edited to death trying to find stitch distinction.

The Chevron Stitch.

The Chevron Stitch shot upwards.

*Please forgive me in advance if there are any errors in my typing, I am going at this using the hunt and peck method to avoid straining my hand. I am normally a decent editor, but after a while I get tired of finding all these stupid mistakes caused by my misbehaving appendage.

 * * So GG, What Torture Awaits Us This Week? * * 

My notebook on how to discern crazy.

r1 k1 p7k1 – Row 1: K1; *P7, K1; rep. from * till end (okay, not to bad so far, she even gave me a space between row and pattern. I doesn’t last but hey!, I will take what I can get)

r2 p1 k7p1 way – Row 2: P1; *K7, P1; rep from * till end of row (what does way mean? all they way? way to go? I am way laughing at you? I think it’s the latter.)

3 k2 p5k3 –  Row 3: K2; *P5, K3; rep. from * till last rep., P5, K2. (We’ve given up the niceties of putting “r” in front of the row, I am sensing a deterioration! Not to mention that the last repeats of the rows are not as written, I am filling in the gaps here.) 

4 p2k5p3 – Row 4: P2; *K5, P3; rep from * till last rep.. K5, P2. (Okay, now we’ve almost given up on spaces. Luckily the pattern was obviously starting to take shape, so an intuitive leap wasn’t that far)

5 k3p3x5 – Row 5: K3; *P3, K5; rep from * till last rep., P3, K3 (I am sure the “x” was a “k” at some point or another, or maybe she just got tired of writing down the letter “k”? Your guess is as good as mine.

6p3k3p5 – Row 6: P3; *K3, P5; rep. from * till last rep., K3, P3 (All right, GG is getting really, really tired of writing this pattern. Even her handwriting is starting to take a nosedive, she just wants to knit people!)

7k4p1k7 – Row 7: K4; *P1, K7; rep. from * till last rep., P1, K4 (Almost there, hang strong!)

8p417 – Row 8: P4 *K1, P7; rep. from *till last rep., K1, P4 (While I am sure she understood this jumble of numbers (and if you think about it, it does follow a pattern) but how on earth could she share this with anyone?)

* * THIS IS ABOUT TO GET REALLY FUNNY, PREPARE YOURSELVES * *

R9 to16. work beg sets backwards. (Umm…SERIOUSLY! This was how that pattern ended, with a cryptic instruction so insane the CIA couldn’t crack it. Thank goodness for the internet.)

• Row 9: Rep. Row 2.
• Row 10: Rep. Row 1.
• Row 11: Rep Row 4.
• Row 12: Rep. Row 3.
• Row 13: Rep. Row 6
• Row 14: Rep. Row 5
• Row 15: Rep. Row 8
• Row 16: Rep. Row 7

* * WIP it Baby, WIP it All Night…ALL NIGHT! * * 

There was no WIP Wednesday this week due to my hand, but here is a run down of what’s currently on my needles.

1. The Fault in Our Stars Scarf
2. Baby Blanket
3. A Duo of OSU Buckeye Hats (I cannot wait to finish these!)
4. Knitted Necklace (certain to be a disaster but I can handle 3 stitches at a time.)
5. Magical Thinking Scarf (I really need to think about where I put it, I can’t find it!)

Magical Thinking Scarf

Roman Pillar Baby Blanket

The Fault in Our Stars

Knitted Jewelry.

OSU Buckeye Hat part 1. Mainly Gray.

* * Photos For Fun * * 

I may not be knitting all that I would like to, but that hasn’t kept me away from taking photos and playing with filters. These are some truly bad photos I admit, my hands are shaky and my positioning is for crap. This will not deter me however, I love taking a walk and just snapping away. Enjoy!

Rain on Elephant Ear.

Sunrise.

Orange Roses.

Rain on Leaves.

My Slice of Heaven.

My ridiculous arthritis glove.

Downpour on Leaves.

Bedside Table Study.

Pink Roses.

Orange Flower- Full Sun.

Two Birds, SO Lucky I got this!

So here we are friends and neighbors, at the end of a labor of love post. I hope you’ve enjoyed what you’ve seen and read. As always insight in welcome and I hope to hear from you soon!

Stitch Pattern Week 6 – Bad Books and Doodads

Since I was unquestionably late posting the stitch pattern for last week, I hope this will assuage any worries about my commitment. Ha! That certainly sounded pretentious! Sh!t, so did that! Any-who, with no further adieu, I present week 6 for your viewing pleasure!

Quilted Lattice

Normally, I would share the pattern written by my great-grandmother with a nice – if slightly snarky- correction on how the pattern would be written today. I want to do that for you below (it is down there, promise), but if you can bear with me there is a story that goes with this pattern that I would like to share.

First and foremost, I am honestly going to say that I went right to a stitch dictionary to find out how this pattern was supposed to be written because for the first time she actually included the name of the stitch! Whoopee! Hooray! No Frogging for this girl this time!

Wait…not so fast. If I learned something this week it is not to get overly excited that something may go as planned.

I went to a book I recently found at a yard sale for fifty cents, which seemed like a steal at the time but hey, what do I know? Maran Illustrated Knitting and Crocheting  seemed like a really good starter book for my niece to try her hand at knitting and I was familiar with the brand name, thus comfortable in my ignorance. When I found the quilted lattice pattern it was slightly different on one row from my GG’s dictation, but considering she wrote it in her eighties I went with the book.

Wrong plan. Bad idea. Don’t do it. No. No. No….NOOOO!!!

As it turns out, the pattern in the book was written incorrectly; after much frogging and even more cursing I went to Lion Brand’s website (I’d had it with stupid books with their stupid pages and stupid….stupidness) and found an identical pattern to what GG was attempting to convey in her own chicken scratch way and was off and running.

Work in Progress

Quilted Lattice – Full Size

Quilted Lattice – Up Close and Personal

Edited with Instagram

I love the pattern by the way, it was totally worth the hair loss caused my abject frustration, and as a bonus my niece and I stumbled upon a great DIY idea. This pattern lends itself to perfectly to having lovely doodads hung from the loose stitches, so I am currently doing this pattern again and following the idea born from Lion Brand’s website.

Lion Brand’s Website Craft Idea for Quilted Lattice.

So with another new project on the needles and an epic weekend Scrabble tournament going on between my niece, my husband and I, I am feeling pretty giddy. Loads of work to do but when you love what you do, it never seems like work!

GG’s Pattern vs. Actual Readable Pattern

quilted lace – Quilted Lattice but so close! A name for the pattern! Huzzah!

all wrongs p – Purl all odd rows (Good, good. Cooking with gas).

r2 k2 s5 yth k1. rep. last k – Row 2: K2, *Sl5 wyif, K1* rep *to* till last st., K1 (Luckily I have seen yth= yarn towards heart, so bringing it forward made sense, which made the s=slip fall into place).

r4 k4 lift k drop k5. last rep -1 – Row 4: K4 *Lift lose strand, knit into next stitch, bring lose stitch under strand; K5* . Rep. *to* till last rep, K4 instead of K5. (Dear GG, If you were planning on passing on your patterns, great googley moogley why did you write the stitch transition like this? Was there a maniacal giggle happening as you did this? Devilish glint in your eye? Sometimes I wonder).

r6 k1 s3 yth then k1 s5 yth till last 5 k1 s3 yth k1 – Row 6: K1, sl3 wyif, *K1, sl5 wyif*.  Rep. *to* to last 5 sts; K1, sl3 wyif, K1 (I am getting a handle on you, you old bag. Your odd shorthand is becoming clearer and clearer to me with each passing week. Considering quitting my day job and pursuing a career as a codebreaker for the CIA).

r8 k1 lift k drop k5 last rep k-4: (Really) Row 8: K1 *insert needle under loose strand, knit into next strand and pull off needle and under lose strand, K5* Rep *to* till last rep., K1 instead of K5 (Dear GG, I forgot to ask earlier, why do you hate punctuation? Is there some family history about punctuation doing my family harm? Wish you were alive so I could ask, cause it is giving me heartburn to think about it).

-Almost the End. Promise.-

If you have made it to the end, more power to you. So I shall end this post with a burning question in my mind; Has anyone else bought a book or pattern and had it be completely off the mark? And if so, how did you figure out how to fix the problem?

Thank you again for glimpsing into my families history and my passion for knitting. I must be passionate, otherwise I am just nuts!

A Suiting Memorial for my Grandfather & the Best Dirty Joke. Ever.

I hope to draw you into the the diatribe that is the rest of this post by giving you perhaps the Best Dirty Joke. Ever. In my mind, it is always in capitals, perhaps on a marquee surrounded by big flashing lights and hoards of people gripping their sides and crying tears of utter contentment.

Enjoy.

      The Hallmark Company was going to hire a person to write verses for their new line of greeting cards. The Executives were interviewing two people who had applied for the job. One was a Harvard graduate; the other one was a man from Eastern Kentucky

One of the Hallmark Executives gave the two applicants their directions: STAND AND RECITE A VERSE THAT CONTAINS THE WORD “TIMBUKTU” .

The Harvard man jumped up and said he would go first. He said:

              Far across the dessert sands

Camels traveled in caravans.

One by one, two by two,

Destination Timbuktu.

Well, the Hallmark people clapped and cheered and said that was really good for such short notice.

Then the man from eastern Kentucky stood. He pulled up his pants high about his waist and said:

Well. Up in the woods Tim and I went.

We Found three whores and a BIIIG old tent.

Them bein’ three and us being two,

I bucked one, and Tim bucked two.

-Unknown Original Source

This was above and beyond my grandfather’s favorite joke to tell. I cannot think of a family member that does not carry a copy of this in their wallets, have it hanging in their lockers or can recite it from memory on cue.

William Gayle Sovine & Mary Rose Sovine. 1954

My grandfather, my Papaw, passed away two years ago today. I vaguely remember being shattered by this memory last year. It was a hard year after he passed and knowing that he had missed a whole year with his wife, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren left me feeling emotionally hallowed out. This year, I am able to focus more on the memories that I cherish. These memories of experiences with perhaps the greatest man I have ever known, at least until I met my husband, have shaped me into the person that I am today.

My grandparents love story is epic; I suppose everyone says that and I would undoubtedly believe every word they said, but for me the love story of these two people seems to transcend even the most romantic books ever written. Being an avid reader, I can attest to this fact without pause.

Honestly, at the moment I am a little at a loss of what to write, there are so many things that I want to share; things about my grandparents and their epic love story, a self made man that came from nothing, a correspondence with Norman Rockwell’s that spanned years, a community figure that relished telling excessively dirty jokes and the ever present rock that this family leaned on. It could go on for hours and hours, days and days, and still I would not be satisfied that I had covered all that I wanted to.

Instead, I want to show grief, if you will allow me to do so. This excerpt was written the night he died two years:

      There should be a sense of relief, in the front of my mind I know that this is what he would have wanted. He went with grace and dignity even after 6 months of fighting something that was so obviously killing him. The tumors could be felt beneath the skin, the oxygen tank was ever present and I believe he was ready to let go in the end. To be done with the act of dying.

The last night I spent with him, dozing on the couch next to that awful hospital bed that invade my grandparents home was a perfect example of the ornery goofball I had always known

“Rachel….Rachel…Rachel…FOLK” he hollered from the bed.

“Ok, Ok I’m up, I’m up! What’s going on?” I said with sleep still heavy in my voice.

“Oh nothing, you just looked so peaceful I thought I would wake you up” he said with      that wry grin in his voice.

After that his breathing went down to about three breaths a minute, but he hung on for another full 24 hours. He was a tenor his entire life and the doctor explained that he was breathing so deep from his diaphragm that he was still getting enough oxygen to survive. God he had a beautiful voice, we have been playing his recordings for days or our sake more than is I suppose. A small comfort for a situation that is anything but.

Plans for the funeral are already completed, now all there is to do is survive the next few days and lay him to rest.

*(Please forgive poor grammar, incorrect puncuation and ranting. It was a long day)*

I thought the act of burying him and knowing that is suffering had ended would bring closure to the whole situation. I worked in the Medical Intensive Care Unit at Ohio State University to pay for school and have seen hundreds of people die. In all by 3 cases, it was always a blessing rather than a curse.

Didn’t really work out that way.

I missed him more than I thought possible and lingered with this feeling that was always present, something that gets stuck in your teeth and try as you might you keep noticing it’s presence.

The following excerpt was written last year:

      There is a weight, I can feel it in my chest and in my mind even a year later. I have actively avoided going to see the gravesite, so much so I sat in the car in ninety degree weather just to not take that walk of the hill to see where he rest. The picture in my head is that of his coffin being lowered, Trevor and I were the only ones that could stand with my grandmother as this happened while the others fled to safer distances where they would not have to watch. I envy them.

How is this so impossible still? Memories, songs, sights, smells. I feel like since the end of March I have been consumed by my memories and none of them are good. I want to remember the good things but all I remember is the end. How unpalatable it is to perseverate on the memories that cause pain when there was 24 years of damn near magic where his life was concerned. He would hate this; he would hate that any of us are suffering and he would hate that the memories we seem to be left with are the unsavory ones.

The worst part about this is that HE is the one I would call on advice on how to handle the damning situation. The cycle of anger and grief, well, it sucks. Throw out eloquence Rachel it just sucks the root. The scariest thing about all this is the hopefully irrational fear that I will never remember anything good. Six months of doing his hospice care is what I remember, where is the rest?

He would absolutely hate this.

William Gayle Sovine 1934-2011

I am not ashamed of these feelings or the fact that I am writing so bluntly about them. When loss takes over, we can easily lose ourselves in it. I sure as hell did. But over the last year the seas have calmed, the clouds have cleared and when I speak about him all I feel is a privilege to know that I am more like him than anyone in the family. He is always with me because he is so much a part of my personality and so much of my history. Today, two years after we carried him from the hospice bed to the ambulance (health care providers, of which my family is full, would not allow anyone else to transport him) all I feel is the warmth of memories.

Kuddos to you if you got this far, I hope you have because seeing in black and white that grief passes is something that is so near and dear to me. So, to a wonderful man that gave me my sense of humor, my drive to work hard and my ability to be an uncanny smartass.

He would absolutely love this.

Gone but Never Forgotten